Discussing what happens after someone dies can be a difficult conversation, but it's an essential one. Planning for the future and ensuring loved ones are taken care of can bring you and them peace of mind and clarity during an uncertain time. In this blog, we'll explore tips on approaching this sensitive topic with care and empathy and the importance of having a will and estate planning.
The conversation itself
The right time and place
Ideally, hold the conversation somewhere you won't be interrupted and you have plenty of time for an open and constructive discussion. You might want to avoid discussing the subject when you or the person you're talking to is stressed or sensitive, as it may become emotionally charged.
Be sensitive and honest
Even though dying is as natural as being born, many people don't feel comfortable discussing it. Acknowledge that end-of-life discussions can be uncomfortable but are necessary. Ensure the person you're talking to is at ease, use empathetic language, and listen to their concerns or feelings. It's advisable to be direct about the importance of having a will and a plan for your or the other person's estate to ensure assets go to the right people without undue delay or distress.
Talking to someone about what they want to happen when they die
Many people are reluctant to talk about death for several reasons. They may be scared of dying or not ready to think about their mortality, making it hard to have a conversation about it. Here are some ideas to make the person feel more comfortable and engage with you.
Procrastination or worrying about their mortality: If someone tells you they're too young or not ready to think or talk about it, explain how important it is to plan ahead and protect their loved ones. Having a will in place can bring them peace of mind, knowing their wishes are documented and their assets will go to who they want them to.
Believing their assets will automatically pass to their family: This long-held myth has led to many people not receiving their rightful inheritances. If someone dies without having a will, what happens to their assets is governed by intestacy laws, which may not align with someone's wishes. Only by having a will can they control their assets and ensure their estate goes to the people they want it to. For example, suppose you live with someone but are not married and die without a will. In that case, your partner won't inherit under intestacy rules and will not receive any of your assets.
Misconceptions about making a will being complicated: Yes, you have to go through some legal formalities when writing a will, like getting it witnessed, but with the right advice, it can be a relatively straightforward process. If you have a large estate or want to leave your assets to several people, charities, or organisations, a solicitor or financial advisor can help and ensure a will is valid.
Thinking estate planning is complex and expensive: Usually, people gather several assets during their lifetime, whether it be a car, savings or a home, and it does take time to get your affairs in order, but there are resources available like solicitors, financial advisors and online estate planning tools (like Leighan's List) to help. You can also emphasise that having a will makes things easier and cheaper for someone's family and loved ones and is worth the effort upfront to prevent stress later down the line.
Worrying that they will lose control over their assets and privacy: the opposite is true if someone makes a will. A will only needs to be seen by a few people until after someone dies, such as whoever helped them create it. It is a legally binding document which contains their wishes and only becomes effective upon their death, so they retain control of their estate both before and after they die.
Explain the benefits of estate planning
Once you're happy, it's the right time to have the conversation, and you can explain the benefits of having a will and estate planning. Tell the person that their assets and belongings will be passed to their heirs according to their wishes, minimising the burden on their loved ones. You may also want to talk about providing for their dependents if appropriate. You can also speak to them about the tax and legal benefits of planning for their passing, explaining how not having anything in place can delay the distribution of their estate and cause further distress at an already difficult time.
Offer support
Offer to support the person by helping them find someone to write their will and providing information about available resources to assist in estate planning, like a financial advisor or solicitor. Encourage them to be proactive by explaining they'll provide peace of mind for their loved ones and clarity for themselves. You can also show them Leighan's List, which will help them identify, record, and store the information and documents needed for their executors to manage their estate efficiently when they die.
Talking to your loved ones about what you want to happen when you die
When discussing what you want to happen when you die with your family, the points above about making sure it's the right time and place and approaching the conversation with sensitivity and honesty apply. Various topics should be covered to ensure your wishes are understood and respected.
Your funeral and burial
Let your family and loved ones know what you want for your funeral. For example, would you prefer a traditional religious funeral service or an alternative service where a humanist presides over it? Or do you want a funeral at all? There are many options available these days, not just cremations or burials. Discuss any specific requests for the funeral, such as music, poems or readings, or religious or cultural preferences (for example, everyone wearing colourful clothes or the shirt of your favourite football team).
How you want your assets distributed
Talk about how you want your assets, including property, money, investments, and personal belongings, to be distributed among your beneficiaries or heirs. Discuss any specific items or sentimental possessions you want to pass on to particular family members or friends.
Who will look after your children if they are under 18
If you've got children under 18, someone will have to look after them if you die. You'll need to decide who will be their guardian, considering whether they're happy to take on the responsibility, their relationship with your children, and whether they can provide care and support.
Healthcare preferences
You should also discuss your healthcare preferences if you were to become incapacitated or unable to make decisions. Do you want to be resuscitated or undergo any life-sustaining treatments? Decisions about your end-of-life care will be needed in some situations. If possible, would you like to stay at home or go into a hospice or hospital? And consider any specific medical interventions you do or don't want.
Power of Attorney
It's helpful to have Power of Attorneys in place so someone can look after your financial affairs and decisions about your health if you're unable to do so yourself. Speak to the person helping make these decisions on your behalf and explain what you want to happen.
Documents and digital accounts
Having a will is the starting point for deciding what happens to your assets when you die. The real work, however, is letting your executor know what accounts you have, their passwords and how to access them. Leighan's List provides you with a directory of all critical information so that your executor has everything they need to access your important documents, such as your will, insurance policies, bank account information, and passwords to digital accounts. Having this information to hand will help make life easier for someone grieving for you and speed up the process of the distribution of your assets so your loved ones will receive them more quickly.
Organ donation
If you want to donate your organs, let your family and loved ones know, particularly your next of kin, who will be asked to decide on organ donation. Tell them if you're registered as an organ donor and have any specific wishes regarding organ donation or medical research.
Cultural and religious preferences
Do you have any cultural or religious customs or traditions that are important to you? Talk about how you want them to be honoured and incorporated into your end-of-life arrangements.
Emotional support during what can be a difficult conversation
By discussing these topics openly and honestly, your wishes will be understood and respected, and your loved ones should carry them out when you die. Estate planning isn't just about financial matters; it's about protecting what matters most and providing peace of mind for those who you love and who love you.
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